I’ve just completed the first year of motherhood. It’s been the happiest and at the same time the most challenging, the strongest and yet the most in need of help, the most unusual and also the most ordinary, the most joyful and yet the most sorrowful, the most extroverted and also the most introverted, the most crowded and yet the loneliest, undoubtedly the fastest year of my life. It’s like living in a crazy climate where everything is at its extreme. When you become a mother, it’s not just the baby who is born, but the mother is born alongside her. You can’t be the woman you used to be, nor do you recognize this new woman. Like a butterfly struggling to emerge from its cocoon, you wait for time to fly so you can take flight. While bonding with Mother Gülistan, I wanted to jot down some thoughts that crossed my mind. Some of these are things I quickly understood, some of them would have made my life easier if I had known them earlier.
It will get easier
The first night you come home from the hospital with your baby will be the toughest night, the first 6-8 weeks the hardest weeks, and the first 3 months the most challenging months. Then, you’ll gradually adapt to each situation at your own pace. You’ll even surprise yourself with what you can handle. Don’t believe those who say, ‘Just wait until you have…’; motherhood is a gradually diminishing role. The baby who clings to your arms in the early months will eventually not want to be there anymore. As you witness these separations, tears will well up in your eyes, but things will keep getting easier.
A mother’s heart always knows best
If you sense a problem related to your child’s health, follow your instincts. If you have to make a decision, always, and I mean always, consult your inner self first. Keep seeking answers until you feel at peace with your decisions. You’re not exaggerating, not being overly worried, and not making things up.
You’re not as alone as you think
I know you feel a deep sense of loneliness, especially at night. But that feeling of loneliness inside you is temporary, especially if you find a tribe that understands you. Surround yourself with friends who became mothers around the same time as you; going through similar processes at similar times will help you get through it. Sometimes, seek advice from women you respect who have been mothers before you; their experiences will guide you.
The hardest part is sleep deprivation, I know
During the day, make sure you get at least one nap with your baby. If you have to choose between getting things done and getting some sleep, always choose sleep. Sleep deprivation will be the most challenging aspect, and even though you’ll learn to function like this after a while, it’s not the norm. Learn what normal baby sleep patterns are, and involve the father from the beginning. I know that if your baby sleeps, you’ll feel like you can move mountains, but the saying “sleep like a baby” was definitely coined by someone who doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Probably a dad 😛
Sometimes, being angry is part of this love
I read a sentence recently that said, “A child grows at full speed and consumes his mother and father.” It’s not entirely wrong. Providing uninterrupted care, being in constant contact will deplete your resources. Combined with sleep deprivation, it’s natural to feel angry at times. Use this anger as a reminder to take time for yourself without waiting for anger to build up. Even if doing something different during your alone time feels difficult at first, push yourself to do something you love. Like writing 🙂
Be clear about your needs
Nobody will say, “Oh, you look so tired,” instead, they’ll say, “Well, motherhood isn’t easy.” Motherhood doesn’t have to be this difficult. Make sure your partner takes on the responsibility he needs to, and talk or even argue if necessary. Learn to express your needs early on. Speak up about your need for a warm shower, an extra hour of sleep, drinking your coffee while it’s still hot, simply doing nothing, and taking time for yourself. When you start fulfilling your needs, it might feel strange at first, but keep going, it will pass.
You don’t have to be a superwoman
Managing both work, your baby, the house, and everything else… Let the house get messy, let the table stay cluttered, let guests entertain themselves. You have countless burdens imposed on you by society, but they are not yours to bear.
It’s time to establish boundaries
When a baby joins the family, all balances change, of course. The best part is that now you have a nuclear family. Shaping your own little family, separate from the extended family, is enjoyable but also a bit challenging. If possible, learn your boundaries before the baby arrives and don’t feel guilty when setting them. In fact, if you feel guilty, know that you’re on the right path.
It might take time for the father to embrace fatherhood
Your partner may be experiencing struggles on his side that are similar to what you’re going through. He might take longer to adapt to fatherhood compared to you, and both of you may miss your old life separately and together. Is there any parent who doesn’t miss their old life? I don’t think so if everyone is honest enough. But these feelings are not bad; after all, they are emotions. Don’t neglect sharing with each other, I know sometimes even talking might feel like a drain of energy, but talk.
Go back to work if and when you feel ready
I know you might sometimes wonder if going back to work is the right decision and if you’re ready for it. Remember, it’s entirely up to you and your feelings matter the most. If you genuinely feel ready to return to work, do so with confidence. Embrace the opportunity to engage in something you love while being a loving mother to your baby and a pillar of support for your family. Don’t worry about what others say, like, “Who’s taking care of your baby? Isn’t he too young?” Trust your instincts and make the decision that feels right for you and your family. You have the strength to balance both worlds, and it’s essential to prioritize your well-being along the way.
This is not a competition
You are the best mother your baby needs. Never forget that. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
Getting to know yourself again
I know you no longer enjoy some of the things you used to, and you sometimes find yourself upset or surprised by the changes. On the other hand, your heart is filled with gratitude. To get to know this new woman, spend time alone with her, and discover the things you now love. Change is one of life’s fundamental characteristics, and as much as it scares you, every change has brought beautiful things, remember that a lot.
Most importantly, for the extraordinary effort you’re putting in, stroke your own hair, pat your own back, and whisper to yourself: “You’re doing an amazing job, dear mother!”
With love,
Rose